Death or Defeat
by berryandlisa
Summary: A Suicidal!Harry story. It's basically a bunch of songfics put together chronologically into one multi-chapter story. Trigger warning! Rating for cutting and language and minor abuse.
1. Losing Your Memory

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter!_

_Based on the song Losing Your Memory by Ryan Star._

_A/N: This chapter is from Hermione's POV._

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><p>She couldn't help but feel a twinge in her stomach when Harry didn't respond to any of her letters that summer. It wasn't that she was upset or mad, but she felt as though something had happened. Something had changed. Something was wrong.<p>

Dumbledore kept reporting that Harry was fine, absolutely fine, but she had the feeling that even he was hiding something from her. Ron, of course, believed every word and didn't dare cross the Headmaster. He didn't think anything was wrong and told Hermione that she was overreacting. Harry was simply grieving for Sirius.

She tried to trust Dumbledore and believe that everything was alright, but her gut kept telling her otherwise. She would ask Dumbledore to visit Harry. Just for an hour or something. Yes. That would help calm her. If she saw that Harry was alright, then she would be able to rest at night.

But Dumbledore, didn't come around the Burrow for another week. And when he did, he only talked to Mrs. Weasley.

Hermione, though she could hear a word they were saying, watched the whole conversation go down. Mrs. Weasley looked anxious, as though she'd been expecting some news about whatever they were talking about for sometime. Was this about Harry? Had he been hurt? Dumbledore looked calm but something he said put the strong Weasley mother straight into tears. She clapped her hand over her mouth and tears started pouring down her cheeks. Dumbledore put and hand on her shoulder and tried to calm her.

Hermione couldn't handle it anymore and barged in, nearly shouting, "What is going on?" Dumbledore looked at her sadly, looking more aged than he had a few moments ago. Before he could say anything Hermione said, "This is about Harry isn't it? something's happened. I knew it all along! I knew he wasn't handling Sirius' death well. He hasn't responded to a single letter all summer! Could you please, please, tell me what happened to him?"

Dumbledore put a hand up to quiet her. "Yes," he replied carefully, "It's about Harry. You're right in your guess that he hasn't been handling his godfather's death well at all this summer. In fact, he's just been transferred to the Hogwarts infirmary for the time being because of some... injuries."

Hermione felt herself start crying as well and barely noticed Mrs. Weasley hugging her hard. Ron and Ginny, who had been in the next room over heard all this and stood appalled in the doorway. Hermione whispered softly, "Can I see him?"

Ron interjected, "Me too. I wanna see my mate." He was trying hard to hold himself together and stay strong. Mainly for Ginny, but his mum and Hermione as well.

Dumbledore looked at the two of them and smiled. "I'm sure he'd love to have his friends for company." He turned to Mrs. Weasley, a slight twinkle returning to his eye. "Have them Floo over tomorrow around noon. I'm sure he'll be awake by then."

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><p>The following morning Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all stayed unusually quiet. Mrs. Weasley was being shorter with the twins. Fred and George- who had no idea what had happened- were the only ones who remained their normal silly selves.<p>

When noon rolled around Hermione and Ron went to the fireplace without a word and took some Floo Powder from Mrs. Weasley (she had to hide it from the twins). Hermione went first saying clearly, "Hogwarts Infirmary."

When Hermione rolled out of the fireplace she saw Madame Poppy standing there with a tray of potions. She put a finger to her mouth as Ron came tumbling out as well. Hermione looked around the completely white room. There was one open window by a curtain where she assumed Harry was. Hermione had to exercise some self-control and not go running over like a banshee. Ron on the other hand stayed a little behind her as they walked over. He seemed to have sobered up by the news Dumbledore gave.

They followed Madame Poppy over to the edge of a bed where they saw a person laying. Hermione had to double check herself when she realized it was Harry. He looked so... terrible. "Sorry, he's not awake. He woke up with a nightmare and didn't get enough sleep. He's sleeping off some Dreamless Sleep potion now," the medi-witch said apologetically.

Hermione nodded absently and sat down in a chair by the bed. Ron stood at the foot of the bed and merely looked somberly at his best friend.

Harry looked so thin! He clearly hadn't been getting enough to eat. There were bandages all up his left arm and to his elbow on his right arm. He had a wrap around his head as well and could see a little red still showing through it. Hermione was intelligent enough to figure out the ones on his arm, but couldn't quite understand the one on his head.

"We would have gone to the end with you, mate," Ron said to the figure on the bed, "Merlin, we still would!" Hermione was surprised to see his eyes gleaming a little. "Where have you gone?" he asked, his voice getting slightly louder. He put a hand to his mouth and looked away for a moment as he tried to gather his thoughts. "Remember this, Harry," he said softly after a while, "I just want you stay with us. I don't want to loose our friendship."

Hermione, though she couldn't bare to say anything, thought to herself, _Wake up. Please, wake up! All the best of what we've done is yet to come. Wake up! Please, at least remember your friends in the morning. You're losing your memory..._

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! Yes, the beginning of a new multi-chapter! Please review! I really love to hear from you guys! I hope you enjoyed this and stay tuned for another chapter possibly today or tomorrow. ;)<strong>


	2. So Cold

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter!_

_Based on the song So Cold by Ben Cocks_

_A/N: This chapter is from Harry's POV._

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><p>I first realized I was still alive when I heard whispering coming from somewhere nearby. I recognized Dumbledore's voice, and I held back a groan so I could hear what was being said. "...can't just leave him here, he's not safe..." The other person said something I couldn't understand. "...safe from Voldemort but not himself and that's the bigger issue at the moment..." I decided from what I'd gathered then that he was talking about me.<p>

I was just about to end his babbling when I heard an unexpected voice enter the conversation. "I know you're going to ask me to take him, and the answer is no!" Why was Snape talking to Dumbledore about me? Why did Dumbledore tell him about me? "I refuse to be cursed with his arrogance and selfish wallowing!"

"You may see a different side to him, Severus." No, Snape is actually right. I am a selfish prick who deserves to die. There is no other side to me.

Snape sighed, as though he were actually considering it. I groaned so he wouldn't have a chance to answer, and Dumbledore was by my side immediately. "Harry, my lad, are you awake?" I opened my eyes and saw him standing over me. I flinched away, unintentionally which caused him to back off some. He looked hurt. And very, very old. "It's okay. You're safe here."

I turned my head to where Snape was standing. Dumbledore followed my gaze and turned to Snape, saying, "Perhaps we should continue our discussion on a later date." Snape nodded and left.

"Why didn't you let me die?" I asked as soon as Snape was out of earshot.

Dumbledore looked surprised. "Why should I have let you die? Do you really think I would allow one of my students to successfully kill themselves if there was anything I could do to stop it?"

"Oh, so now you're giving a shit about me. Yeah, I heard what you said after Sirius died. But that was after Sirius died. It took my godfather- _my last connection to my parents_- to die for you to start giving a single shit about me."

"Harry, I've already apologized and will forever regret what I did."

I turned away from him and didn't respond. _He couldn't hear me cry- see my dreams all die- at my stupid relatives house from where he was on his_ own, I thought to myself. I felt a shiver go down my back upon remembering them.

I tried to distract myself from those thoughts only to be pointed back to Sirius. When I saw the vision of him being tortured I couldn't take it. My aching body literally fell to the floor. Then I tried to talk to him at Number 12 Grimmauld Place and I only saw Kreacher- may the miserable thing be forever damned. But I shouldv'e known that he was safe. That Voldemort was just trying to lure me out. Now it hurts much more.

"Harry..." I felt him put a hand on my shoulder.

I whipped around and yelled, my heart bleeding, "You still owe me a reason for why you let Sirius die!" Dumbledore looked shocked and very sad at my response.

Suddenly, Hogwarts didn't feel like a home anymore. I didn't think I'd ever belong anywhere at this rate.

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><p><strong>I know I'm always writing short chapters, but I just don't know how to write more! . If you have any suggestions let me know! I love hearing from you guys! Anyway, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this new chapter. Please review!<strong>

**Special thanks to Philosophize and Man of Constant Sorrow for being my first favorite and followers on this story!**


	3. Hello

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter!_

_Based on the song Hello by Evanescence._

_A/N at the end._

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><p>It didn't take long for them to realize I would not just snap out of it. In fact, they were soon very worried about my "appetite loss" and "social avoidance tendencies." So what if I wasn't eating every little thing they put on my plate? Or if I decided not to talk for a while? What's the big deal?<p>

I heard them talk about me often. Sometimes I was faking sleep, other times they talked right in front of me as though I weren't there. They talked about how much of a nuisance I was and how frustrated they were I wasn't getting better. Or most commonly, "How will he defeat Voldemort?" Is that my only purpose? To rid the world of Voldemort? What happens when that's done? Will I be tossed aside? And if I'm being so annoying why didn't they get rid of me when they had the chance? Heck, my blood wouldn't have been on anyone's hands but my own if they'd just let me die.

These thoughts swirled in my head for most of the two weeks I was confined to the bed. They didn't let me have my wand, so I was free to think whatever I damn well pleased. Even if those thoughts were counterproductive. It almost makes me laugh how they stopped trying to talk to me after the first week. They would sit there and just have a one-sided conversation with themselves while I just stared at the ceiling. I refused to even try to follow what they were saying if they were only talking to themselves.

Then they made the mistake of letting me out of bed. I don't know whose grand idea that was, but surely there was some resistance. There is no way in hell Mrs. Weasley or Madame Poppy would just agree to letting me walk around the school all hours of the day left to my own devices. In the end, though, I was able go where ever I wanted as long as it was on school grounds.

I started losing track of how many days had passed. All I knew was that I was going to have the entire place memorized by the time school started back up. They allowed me to have most of my stuff but some of it they kept confiscated. Stuff like my map, cloak, candy, photo album, and clothes they kept in my trunk at the end of my bed. Someone- probably the Weasley's or Dumbledore- had bought my books for 6th year and put them in my trunk.

I knew they were afraid I was going to try again. They probably had several house-elves following me everywhere I went to make sure I wouldn't do anything. It was the smartest thing they'd done yet. In the back of my mind, I knew that as soon as I got the chance I would try again. I knew I was suicidal, I wasn't stupid.

One day, I woke up and saw a new face staring down at me and I knew I wasn't escaping. I sat up and glared at the unfriendly face, making it clear I wasn't going to start the conversation.

"If that's how it's going to be Mister Potter, then we shall be sitting here quite a long while," Snape drawled. I merely continued to stare at him, daring him to interrogate me. "What do you remember of your childhood?" he asked in the smoothest of ways. I knew immediately it was rehearsed.

"If you're going to question me like everyone else, then you may want to consider rehearsing better," was all I said back. I stared at the wall waiting for him to leave after that.

"I must admit I really didn't put too much effort into practice, but that's only because I only give what I receive. The difference is that me not trying isn't going to kill someone."

The next thing I knew, my fist was flying through the air and connecting with Snape's jaw. "I remember playground school bells ringing again and again!" I yelled at him, "I remember my cousin reminding me every time I would look out the window on rainy day that my mum is not breathing! I remember only having my mind to talk to! I remember smiling, but not believing I would ever wake up from the nightmare that was my reality! Tell Dumbledore this: don't try to fix me because I was never broken! Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide from Voldemort!" By the end of my rant I was screaming. At some point I must have stood up, so I sat back down again and stared at the wall. _Don't cry! Don't cry!_ I told myself fiercely, biting my lip so hard I could taste blood.

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><p>"Why did you lash out at Professor Snape, Harry?" The following day, I was confined to my bed again and Dumbledore was trying to get more information out of me.<p>

The reason I'd punched him was because he basically said I never tried during our Occulency lessons. And then he blamed Sirius' death on me. It was too much for me to handle at that moment. So I punched him.

When Dumbledore finally got the message that I wasn't going to talk today, I was hit by a sudden realization. I wasn't sleeping. I was still alive, or all that was left of yesterday.

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><p><strong>There you are! 2 chapters in one day, wow! This one's a bit longer. I hope you enjoyed it and don't forget to review! Tell me what you want to see next. Should Snape mentor Harry? Should Dumbledore be evil? What will happen when school starts back up? Let me know!<strong>

**Thanks for reading!**


	4. World So Cold

_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter!_

_Based on the song World So Cold by 12 Stones._

_A/N at the end._

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><p>The days proceeding my bad interaction with Snape they let me out of the hospital wing again. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it had something to do with the fact that they think part of the reason I hit Snape was because I was "feeling contained." Feeling contained my ass, I lashed out because he provoked me. Either way, I was grateful to be out of the infernal hospital wing.<p>

I was wondering the halls one night when suddenly I saw Sirius being tortured again by Voldemort. This time, they were in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom... Weird. But I wouldn't fall for it this time. Sirius was dead anyway. The moment I thought that I had to swallow back tears. Sirius was dead. Gone. I went to the classroom to confirm to myself it was just Voldemort playing tricks on me... that nothing was wrong... I just needed to block him out...

I opened the door to the room.

_"Avada Kedavra!"_

There was a blinding flash of green light and sharp stab of pain to my forehead. I looked up, alarmed. There was Bellatrix on the other side of the room. And... Sirius! There was Sirius! I ran over to him, but he was dead before I could get to him on time. I failed him... Again... The pain in my forehead was nothing compared I was feeling in my chest. The crushing sense that I'd failed Sirius again... Sirius died, because I wasn't there to save him in time...

I felt a scream rip from my chest. This couldn't be happening! Not again! I looked into Sirius' all too dead eyes. I curled into a ball, crying and screaming... I wanted to _die..._

"Harry! Wake up!" commanded a harsh voice from somewhere in my head.

My eyes flew open to bright white lights all around me. For some reason, I felt anger rise in me. I sat up quickly and looked around wildly. I had one thought in my head. To kill her.

I was reaching for my wand when a hand grabbed my wrist. I gasped and immediately drew my other hand to cover my head. The hand on my wrist pulled away as though burned. "Potter, calm down! You're at Hogwarts."

I peered around my arm to see a disheveled Snape staring down at me. I withdrew my arm from my head and sat up slowly. I ignored Snape's attempt to talk to me and stared at the wall as my hate fueled from endless of questions swirling around my mind. _Where is Bellatrix now? Where is Sirius? Is he with my parents? Why did they all have to_ die? No one could answer those, I knew, but I still wondered why life had to treat me so badly while people like Malfoy got waited on in huge mansions with a loving family. I felt a dark stain cover my heart. I felt it begin to tear me apart. I wondered if this is how it felt to Voldemort when he went bad. If he felt like a sleeping cancer was ripping apart his insides.

I sometimes wondered how Voldemort got to this world. When did he turn bad? An innocent child with a thorn in his heart.

I suddenly was able to almost- _almost_- sympathize with the dark wizard. I never believed people were born killers and he must have been good at some point. He, too, probably lost someone dear to him causing him to become dark. He probably let the darkness take over his heart and, eventually, become the murderer to kill my mother and father. That one fact kept me from fully relating to the Dark Lord.

I didn't believe I was the one to save the world. Even if I did manage to defeat my nemesis, I didn't believe I would heal the world of the hurts it had. I would never be able to replace all the souls lost in the war. There were people dying daily for _me._ They were dying so I could succeed. It was hard to fathom at times.

What kind of world did we live in? Why did evil have to exist? Why did love have to be divided by hate? Where people lose control of their feelings and lash out on others? We all must be dreaming this life away. In a world so cold.

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><p>"Why were you screaming?" Snape asked the boy. Potter stared fixedly at a spot on the wall and didn't respond. Snape tried to wait patiently, but patient was never really his forte. <em>Curse him and his stupid pride!<em> Snape thought to himself, marching from the room.

He went straight to Dumbledore's office when it was actually light outside. "Is he even sane?" Snape demanded as he started pacing the room.

"Good morning, Severus! Lemon drop?" Dumbledore replied lightly, a twinkle in his eye.

Severus gave him a single glare and then continued. "Where's the shame for being such a brat? A moment of time passes by and his godfather dies. He can't rewind who's to blame and where it started with him. Is there no cure for his sickness? Has he no heart?"

Dumbledore gazed calmly at Snape and let him finish. "The boy has been through much, Severus. Give him a chance to grieve." Dumbledore cut off whatever Severus was about to say. "He hasn't been able to properly grieve at his relatives. He told you what his childhood was like there. Do you honestly believe that he was given a chance to mourn?"

"Either way! He is simply moping around and not getting better! Part of the process of mourning is feeling better about what happened. He is not!" Snape eventually collapsed in a chair, unable to continue pacing.

"Dear Merlin! If didn't know any better I might even think you are _concerned_! But I know that cannot be." Dumbledore's eye twinkled a little bit at this.

"I'm concerned he won't be able to stand up to the Dark Lord," Snape snarled. "That he'll succumb to the darkness in him and become as evil- if not more so- than You-Know-Who himself!"

Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully. "I've wondered that myself. But I have faith in the boy. I believe that he will be able to defeat him when the time comes. Now onto more pressing issues..."

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><p>After they talked about the plan with Draco and how he was to kill Dumbledore, Snape went back down to the infirmary to see if Potter was there. He didn't think he would be, but the Headmaster ordered him to anyway.<p>

He opened the door with a bang and was shocked to see Potter sleeping on the cot. He was suddenly overcome by the desire to wake the boy to look into his eyes- Lily's eyes. He felt tears spring into his, but quickly controlled himself. He had to keep on the mask. He had disciplined himself well to not feel.

_There's a sickness inside you that wants to escape,_ he thought to himself, looking down on the small boy in front of him. _You want to get better. You want to what you've never had. You want the family you can never have. But just because you can never have it doesn't mean you should give in to the darkness._ _I__t's the feeling you get when you can't find your way. So, how many times must you fall to your knees to understand that darkness will never make you happy. Please, never try to kill yourself again._

Looking upon the sleeping boy now, he couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of pity for him. He had lost his parents. Then, the ones who were supposed to care for him only took every chance they got to rub in the fact that he was alone. He had lost virtually everything when his godfather died.

And now, after all of that, he was supposed to kill the Dark Lord, no questions asked. He was 16 years old. In the muggle world, he was just old enough to drive a car. He wasn't even allowed to do magic outside of school!

A wave of anger rushed over Snape at the thought that this child had the pressure of saving the Wizarding World on his shoulders. And then guilt that he had also believed that.

_It starts with pain when you see him. Followed by the hate you feel towards him for killing those you had loved. I don't believe you or anyone was born a killer. I don't believe you will ever be saved... What kind of world do we live in? Why does love have to be divided by hate? Where people lose control of their feelings and lash out on others? We all must be dreaming this life away. In a world so cold._

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><p><strong>Here you go! A new chapter. And look, it's longer. *le gasp* I hope you enjoyed this new chapter! Please, please, please review what you would like to see next! Should Snape mentor Harry? HowWhen should Harry get better if at all? Thank you for reading!**


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